Enter Gaia and Avoid Destruction
by NewtThatGotBetter
Summary: This is Daisy. Thrust into Gaia with no fighting abilities, magic, knowledge of the place or most importantly, sanity. Still, it’s bound to be a laugh, right?


Chapter One - Behold the Bucket Maiden

"Today, my friends, marks a most momentous occasion. You will remember this day, as the beginning of the revolution against the college canteen! Until now they have persecuted us tea-drinkers with an outrageous price of sixty-five pence per revolting cup! But now we can say 'no' to their tyrannical reign! For you see, I have… A KETTLE!" I declared, slamming the accused electrical onto the table.

The room was shocked into silence by this incredible revelation. Rebel against the canteen? It was unheard of! Budget students we were but we didn't dare question the regime. Yet as I stared at their gob-smacked faces, I could see the light of hope dawn within their eyes. Yes! They were looking up to me to lead them into a new era, and by God I would do everything in my power to guide them!

Well in the far mouldy depths of my mind it seemed that way, which meant it almost certainly wasn't.

"Daisy, you are _insane_," laughed Abi, using everybody's favourite adjective to describe me. Though I would have preferred it if that called me clinically insane, then perhaps the white coats wouldn't be after me so often. The padded room was always a laugh though; and comfy.

"Insane for bringing a kettle in? Have you got low standards or what!" I said, littering the table with plastic cups, which I had kidnapped from the water dispenser downstairs. "Don't blame me just because I feel enough for the college tea-drinker to start my own _cheaper _tea enterprise."

"Well I'm surprised you didn't bring the cow actually," she said almost sincerely.

"I tried but they thought producing milk for tea was beneath them, amazing how conceited they've gotten from performing in those TV ads. Anyway, instead you've got to contend with sort-of-cold bottled milk." I held up and gently shook my meagre couple of pints of milk, which I had wrapped in freezer packs. They steadily dripped on my already wet tattered shoes, so I plonked them next to the kettle and proceeded to hunt around for a socket.

Though our class was small, under twenty, it was plenty enough to fill the room full of life and energy. There was a general buzz and vibrancy about the place, which is what one should expect in a room full of art students. There probably wasn't a single inch of the place that wasn't covered in work, or doodles, or paint splatters or something going on at any rate; and that was what I loved about that place. It just felt so good to be surrounded by like-minded people after being stuck in school, the creative murderer.

"Cor I could use a cup of tea. Could I have one? How much do you want for one?" asked Kit, pulling her red hair behind one ear and leaning in eagerly.

I paused before answering Kit and glanced at the weather outside, which was beyond wretched. The pounding rain was so intense it almost drowned out my own irritating tones, and to make matters worse, the windows were open and a puddle was steadily swamping its way across the room. Unfortunately the college windows were automatic, and they only opened or closed when there was too much carbon dioxide or whatever in the room, which according to their calculations was every single cold day of the year. Might I add the air conditioning was also on non-stop.

I wrestled with my non-existent entrepreneurial skills and sympathy for my fellow artists, battling against the forces of British nature for the sake of our creations. It brought a tear to my patriotic eye just thinking about it.

"Twenty pee a cup. Actually tell a lie, it's now officially National Free Cup of Tea Day. Enjoy! Oh, and there's also coffee," I added, flinging PGtips, coffee, and sugar sachets all over the table, adding to my expanding plague of stuff.

"I say how jolly good of you, most splendid indeed," said Kate in a mocking upper class accent.

"Mmyes quite, well _you're _not getting any, you ruddy toff," I laughed, and then unplugged the kettle after realising it didn't actually have any water in it. Trotting over to the sink I set about filling it up for a much needed hot beverage fest.

Humming absently to music from the headphones around my neck, I thought about my time at college up until then. Rain had a bad habit of giving me nostalgia attacks. I was happier and more comfortable than I had been in a long time. Being confident enough to wear what I wanted, say what I wanted, and even create what I wanted was something I could barely daydream about a few years ago. Not to mention I had a healthy social life!

Before I started college, or indeed had even planned on going to college, I was pretty damn low. My grades were getting gradually more horrendous, when I had grades and wasn't bunking off at any rate. I shuffled along trying not to be seen, thought I was ugly and talentless, and hated being in contact with people other than my very close friends. If it wasn't for them I supposed I wouldn't have managed. It was then that I sincerely wished everyday that I could get away from everything, to start my life afresh in a different world.

Enough of this moody wallowing! My depressive moping was a thing of the past! I was quite happy where I was, plus my college friends could barely believe that I was once lacking in confidence, if they believed it at all. So what did that say about my progression eh? Utterly blooming fabulous.

Of course it would be that particular day that Sod's Law decided to pop over for a visit. Aha! Daisy's merry and content! We'll soon see about that. Fly my Sod Ninjas; fly! Eeeeehehehehehehe!

Swiftly and mercilessly do Sod Ninjas strike,but at least they had the decency to wait until after I finished my tea.

Snapping out of my self-pitying (or was it ego-boosting?) nostalgia trip I finally got around to serving everyone tea and coffee, which they were appreciative of, and rightly so! The room seemed to be getting more frigid with every passing second, and because the windows were automatic we couldn't physically close them.

I perched on top of one of the tables and settled my feet on a chair. I looked round at the door and then at my clocklace, which was literally a clock necklace. It beat my pocket watch at any rate, if only because I couldn't attach the thing to myself. I frowned at the time and patted Sophie on the shoulder.

"Hey, shouldn't Jonathon be here by now?" Jonathon was our most beloved of tutors, as in really _really_ not. Sarcasm, remember it, it will take you far in life.

"Probably, not that I'm complaining. I hope he doesn't come in at all, that way he can't hitler around and change all my ideas," she said, irritable at the mention of him. She then looked around to make sure he wasn't behind us, which he had a bad habit of doing when one really didn't want him about. Jonathon was the kind of man who silenced the room upon his arrival. He wasn't completely awful in all truthfulness; he was just naturally an utter git.

"Here, here," muttered someone from the other side of the table.

"He's probably off bullying the few technicians he can remember the names of," shrugged Harriet.

"Yeah but we normally see him leering at us in the canteen before we're even up here."

"I suspect he's devising a plan on how to woo your fair heart Abi."

"Bloody hell! Will you shut up about that!"

"'Snot my fault he's a gay man married to a woman, with the hots for you, despite the fact you're with a girl at the moment."

I cupped my tea gratefully in my hands, which despite the fact they were gloved were frozen. A bitch-fest mounted against our tutor; a regular occurrence when he wasn't around. As artists we didn't mind constructive criticism and help, that's why we were at college after all. What we minded was 'your idea sucks, but here's mine, and you have no choice but to obey.' His stare was reminiscent of the Demon Head Master.

"Oh dear I feel bad now," said Sophie looking guilty from kick-starting the onslaught of Jonathon-related moaning.

"Nah don't be he's a gimboid," I said waving my hand, "He blocketh our creative process and thus must face the consequences."

I fumbled in my bag and brought out the most sacred of chocolate bars, the Yorkie. It was something around a third of a woman's calorie intake for the day, not to mention all the junk that was probably crammed into it. However, it went well with tea and was oh so good yet oh so bad. I dunked it into my tea and savoured the heart attack brought on by chocolatey goodness, just as the conversation moved onto the news.

"Maybe he's gone missing like all those mad people on the news," shrugged Toby.

"Oh, d'you mean the one where they're trying to explain it away as mass hallucinations?" I asked.

"Yeah that one."

"That doesn't even make sense though! How can several people across the country see the same thing happen at different times? I mean there was one yesterday and uh, Monday I think."

"Maybe their brains are being eaten by your hats," said Abi slyly. The hats I had created at the beginning of term seemed to have become a running gag of late. Logic and I were mortal enemies. So whilst everyone was creating deep and meaningful pieces, I literally said 'Bugger logic! I'm going to give some hats some claws and make them attack people! Mwahahah!'

"Oh golly gosh you've figured me out," I said snapping my fingers. "Though I'd like to think my hats cause slightly more psychedelic reactions than 'he disappeared in a flash of blue light, painfully scrreeeeaaaameeeeng.' Emphasis on the screaming part."

"So wait a moment," said Sophie slowly, "what exactly are these people saying about the disappearances?"

We collectively tried to explain the situation to Sophie, though I suspected that our combined efforts just left her even more confused and disorientated. Basically people had been coming forward onto the news, claiming that a person they knew just started screaming and vanished in a flash of blue light. The first time such a thing happened the police just hauled the man away, and planned on charging him with the disappearance of his daughter.

Once the disappearance story reached the news, more people came forward with all too similar stories. Government conspiracies and cover-ups were bandied about in the tabloids and on the news channels; even alien kidnap plots were taken as a plausible explanation. Though that was probably because Independence Day was on the telly the other night, and some mad journalist picked up on the idea. However no one had any real explanation for what was going on.

"My brain hurts," complained Sophie.

"Yeah join the club," muttered Kit.

After that the conversation lulled into more casual areas, and we all got settled down into our sketchbooks or doodling or whatever. My time was being well spent drawing Pikazilla on the table, simply because I could. This was soon joined by Toby's Amazing Bongo Frog, a Pacman, Spongebob Squarepants, and various other cartoon horrors that formed a most terrible army, the likes of which the world had never seen before. I leaned back in my chair to admire the masterpiece we had created, laughing at its insanity.

_Ba-dum_

"Uagh!"

My body jolted like someone had run an electric current through my veins. My spine arched of its own accord, and my hands flew to my head, as that was where the pain seemed to originate. The strip lighting above us exploded, casting the room into darkness and raining small pieces of shattered glass on us all. I fell backwards and crashed onto the floor, gasping for breath, and finding it difficult to focus, even though the pain had barely lasted half a second.

"What the bugger-arse-hattery was THAT?!" I panted from the floor. Wait, why was I panting? I felt completely normal; my body showed no sign of what it had just experienced. However my mind remembered well enough, which was probably what kept me panting.

"Ha ha come on Daisy, the power cut wasn't that bad!" laughed Sophie, standing over me and reaching out her hands to help me up. I took them, they were warm and real, and for some reason I suddenly appreciated them a whole lot.

"Power _cut_? The lights exploded!" yelped Kit who, as I saw when back on my feet, was picking bits of glass from her hair. I wobbled a bit and clutched Sophie's shoulder, blinking furiously. What the hell had just happened there?

"No.. no that's not it I-"

_now, try that frequency again, triple the power_

I looked around. "Who sai-"

_Ba-dum_

"AAGGGHHHHHH!!"

_have broken through have broken thr_

I stumbled backwards, doing an extremely bad job at staying upright as spasms racked my body. I heard myself scream, but it was though I was hearing it from behind a glass window. The sensation, which was shaking every cell in body, didn't cause the kind of pain one feels through nerve endings. It was something more somehow; something so hideously deep that my mind had to cut itself from my body just to cope.

Every cell was rebelling against its existence. Even the tears pouring down my face burned into my flesh from rejection. It was as though it was being torn apart down to the very atoms. Being removed from reality, out of the cycle. It was just wrong on every level.

_inject the – maximise the – oad don't over_

I looked up and saw that the room was aglow with a sickly pulsating blue light. The looks on my friends faces were varied, but all held the same underlying emotion; fear.

Sure as hell they had nothing on my terror.

_gain blocking the path again blocking the_

_remove it, destroy it, i don't care if_

Something slammed into me, ripping me from a hold I never realised I had**.** The college room disappeared, and was replaced by a flickering scene of cold metal and blue. A smile; beautiful and biting. There were figures, or was it the same one multiplied through the scene jumping about.

I doubled over, wanting to retch, barely able to keep my eyes open through a haze of bodily rejection. However it felt as though my body didn't belong to me. A thread was slowly being pulled, tighter and thinner, almost about to snap.

_ugly isn't it_

It's odd how being indignant overpowers such things, even if it was only for a moment.

"Bloody tosser!" I managed to bark out, before the tentative scene vanished altogether, and was replaced by darkness.

_so easy to break_

With a snap I came back to myself all at once. However a sudden jolt back to reality is something like a blow to the stomach, and I was physically thrown backwards. I crashed into several metal, heavy, and pointy objects; my arms flailing about uselessly as I tried to remember what limb did what and went where. Something smashed painfully onto my head almost knocking my glasses off, a horrible reverberating clang ringing in my ears. Several more objects hit me in such a way that I start spinning.

Right! Adolescent spinny-fun time wasn't going to get me to sort that wretched mess out, and figure out what exactly was going. I stepped forward, touched wood, and promptly fell through it and onto the floor. I was about to sit up when I was forced back onto the floor by the large heavy metal things that were attacking me a moment ago. I heard some of them roll off around the area, ruining my ears at the sound of scraping metal against stone.

"What the heck??" I heard. The voice sounded male, and quite young. I certainly didn't recognise it, which threw me for a moment.

"Oh great; look at that! We could have taken the armour from there! Now I'm stuck in this smelly, cookie crumb filled, slimy-"

"You've _told _me already Blank." No idea what these chaps were talking about, but I had other things to worry about.

Everything was still pitch-black; I supposed I must have made a hell of a racket. Okay I _knew_ I made one hell of a racket. Perhaps I had dragged people from other classrooms into ours? That would explain the new voices, but unfortunately not the onslaught of bruises. Ugh, I really did not want to get up. I was aching so bad already, though I was thankful that I wasn't screaming from that sensation anymore.

I reached out and forced my body off the floor, which was cold to the touch. I relieved myself of the rest of the weight that was holding me down, and managed to stagger up to standing position. I looked around but could not see barely a glimmer of light, except for a strip at the bottom of my vision, which moved away every time I tried to look at it.

"Anyone seen a light switch? It's blinking dark in here!" I said, surprised at the tinny edge of my voice. I stuck my arms out and waddled slowly forwards, towards where I thought the voice from earlier had come from.

I heard a confused laugh from behind me, the sort of laugh you get from people when they don't know how to react to a situation. I started to turn back around only to trip and fall on something warm and squidgy. It felt like… flesh! Ahh! Had I fallen on a dead body?! I yelped panic-stricken and scrambled off the body, and then tripped backwards again. Thankfully however I managed to stay upright, and I shook myself to get rid of the 'oh my god I touched a dead dude' jitters.

Footsteps approached me from behind. I was about to swing around and clobber who I thought was the murderer, when something scrapped and lifted off my head, blinding me with a sudden light. I squeezed my eyes shut and clutched my nose, which had been grazed in the process.

"Owww wowowowow," I moaned. Great, now I had an injured nose to add to my developing bruise collection. It took me several moments for my eyes to adjust to the light, and the brand new scene that was in front of me. In fact the new scene took me several minutes to comprehend.

There were various pieces of armour littering the floor. Helmets, chest plates, gauntlets, those must have been what were attacking me earlier. There were two men on the floor, devoid of all clothing except for their underwear. My heart skipped a beat until I realised they were breathing, which then lead my mind to wonder why they were undressed and unconscious. I didn't particularly want to traverse down that line of thought.

I turned around slowly to spy the rest of the candle-lit, stone room. There was a cupboard open with armour and cleaning equipment before it, and the ruddy broom. I was going to wreak sweet, sweet vengeance on that later. Then finally my eyes landed on two guys in armour.

There was a blond, who I must say had the most astonishing eyes, though my attention was slightly more captured by the lightly swinging monkey tail. How did he do that? Was there an invisible string I wasn't seeing? Or perhaps there were some funky animatronics at work, though that seemed a little too far fetched. The other bloke had a helmet on, though I could see a belt covering his eyes and a rather red-ginger five o clock shadow.

I said the first thing that came into my head.

"My god, have I stumbled into a role-playing orgy??" I shrieked.

Well whatever they were expecting me to say it wasn't that. There was a slightly-too-long pause before the blond one burst out laughing, and the helmeted bloke just gawped. It really bugged me that I couldn't see the latter's eyes; in fact, could the guy even see at all?

"This is yours I believe," smiled the blond, handing the bucket over to me. He had an odd accent which I simply couldn't place. However I was too busy staring at the bucket, appalled.

"I don't want any part of this debacle! And I really don't want to know what use a bucket has in an orgy! You people are sick!" I cried, fumbling awkwardly with the bucket and tossing it back. I blinked, and then took another swing around the room. "How did I even get here anyway?"

"From the cupboard."

"Har. That's not what I meant. Seriously, what's going on? Drugs? Kidnap?"

The armoured men looked at each other, and then looked back at me with frowns set on their faces. They weren't exactly happy frowns. The belted dude spoke up, with the same queer accent. "How much have you heard?"

"How much have I heard of _what? _You just told me yourself I came out of the blinking cupboard… Bloody hell you're serious aren't you?" I took a step back, hands slightly up. "Ah feck, a real kidnap and drugs plot?"

There were far too many sick and disturbing conclusions to the combined forces of two unconscious men, myself, two dressed up men and a kidnapping drugs plot. Thankfully the bucket was rammed back over my head before I had time to muse on such details, and I was man-handled back into the cupboard. It was all such a shock that by the time I decided to fight back, I'd been standing stock-still in said cupboard for all of several minutes.

I rammed my fists repeatedly against the wooden door, yelling various profanities at the top of my voice, not that it did an awful lot of good. Oh well, at least the situation wasn't quite as hideously x-rated as I first thought. I had a sick mind, but what was I supposed to think given the situation?

They must have locked the cupboard, bloody wankers. I sighed in temporary defeat and yanked at the bucket, which was getting all too accustomed to my head. It started to slide off, but then it stuck. I paused. Oh no, oh please no. I grabbed it firmly with both hands and heaved for all I was worth, but just ended up tripping backwards into some shelves. I rubbed my back, more irritated than hurt, and proceeded to attack the door in renewed frustration.

Huffing I glared at the slivers of light that outlined the door. I took a step back, though a step was all the room there was, and yelled a death cry and shot forwards. I rammed my shoulder into the door, but only managed to create a loud bang and injured myself. Oh, and woke up the largely naked occupants of the room.

"Ach my head… Hey, what's going on? It's a total mess in here!" exclaimed a voice.

"Woah Blutzen, where are your clothes??" said a deeper more rotund-sounding man.

"_My_ clothes?! Look at yourself!"

"Oh man, Captain's gonna kill us if he finds us like this…"

"I'LL kill you," I said loudly, and irritably, "if someone doesn't let me out of this goddamn cupboard!"

There was silence for a couple of moments, and I banged the door a few more times for good measure. My arms were folded, and my foot was tapping as the door clicked and swung open. I shouldn't have been glaring at them really, but I was irritated and had no idea where I was or what was going on.

"Woah lady, you could give the Captain a run for his money with an expression like that. …Why have you got a bucket on your head?" said the larger man. Did these people have no sense of the bigger picture? How about 'hey, why have we been knocked out, our clothes taken, and found some crazy woman locked in a cupboard'? I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, and had to take a moment to relax my face.

"Look, can you help me out? These guys in armour just shoved me in here. Talking of which, I have no idea where here is either." Judging by the looks on their faces, I wasn't exactly getting through, or making sense. Then again, making sense was never exactly my forte.

"Here? It's.. we're in Alexandria Castle," said Blutzen slowly. He then blinked and seemed to look at me a second time. "How did you get in and past the guards, and not know where you are?" He wasn't accusing, just confused.

"Oh, maybe she got in from the noble crowd," shrugged the other man.

"But there are guards there too! They only let us and the actors through."

At that point I was tempted to ask if the chaps were still roleplaying, though they seemed utterly genuine to me. I was saved the trouble of replying however, when a bellowing voice erupted from the other room.

"Knights of Pluto! ASSEMBLE!!!"

I winced. Well my ears felt raped; I shuddered to think what such bellowing could achieve at close range. The two guys in front of me jumped, and looked at each other in panic.

"Oh damn, it's him! What're we going to do? We can't go out there like this, he'll skin us alive!" yelped the larger bloke, grabbing Blutzen's shoulders and shaking them.

"Calm down Kohel! Let go, let go!" He managed to remove himself from Kohel's grip. "We don't have any choice; we'll be worse off if we don't go out there at all."

Kohel gulped and nodded, and without a second glance to me they charged full speed out the room. As the dust settled I made another hash at yanking the bloody bucket off, but alas, to no avail. I decided that exiting the room wasn't the best idea at that moment, judging by the one-sided yelling that was continuing outside. I rubbed my hands and took another look around the room.

There was no other door as far as I could figure out, and the only other interesting things about were some tables and chairs, a second cupboard, and of course the armour all over the floor. I knelt down and lifted up a gauntlet. It felt lighter than I expected (not that I knew what to expect), though it looked genuine, so perhaps this wasn't some kind of major prank being pulled on me. Yeah, right. I had absolutely no clue as to what made armour genuine or not. Besides, that didn't explain the whole screaming and bright blue light thing. I sighed and shook my head; there had to be a simple explanation, just not one that was forth-coming just then.

I was just standing up when Blutzen and Kohel burst into the room again, and started grappling frantically at the armour from the floor, and someundergarments from the second cupboard. I didn't think I had ever seen anyone get changed so quickly, and this was the added effort of putting god knows how many separate pieces of armour on.

About ten seconds later, when they were just about sufficiently dressed, the scariest man I had ever seen in my entire life entered the room. Okay perhaps not; I'd seen worse, Andrew Lloyd Webber always gave me a funny turn for some reason. Moving on, I wasn't entirely sure how the two Knights could compare my irritated expression to this man. He was the King of Angry; in fact ferocity practically radiated off him.

"What are you buffoons doing??" he exclaimed. "Hurry up and go find the Princess!"

My stomach lurched when his eyes settled on me... wait was he wearing mascara?

He looked like he was going to yell at me, then I saw him give me a once over. Not the perverted kind mind, else I would have kicked his metal-clad arse from here to Albuquerque. I could almost see the cogs of his mind clicking away; and by the time they finished whirring,his face had softened slightly, and an air of cautious respectability came forth.

"My Lady, what are you doing this far from the audience?"

I blinked at him in confusion; My Lady? What nonsense was that? Did I look like a member of nobility? What kind of upper-class citizen wore a bucket on their head, not to mention a cheap black and white tartan dress and, might I say awesome, eBay jacket. Perhaps he thought I dressed like this because I was insanely rich?

"No wait, you don't get it. Hang on; did you say a Princess is missing?" I said slowly, adding things up. The Captain looked a little worried at his big mouth.

"I-it's nothing to be concerned about!" he blustered. "Allow me to quickly escort you back to the-"

"It _is _something to be concerned about!" I butted in, eyes wide. "These two guys shoved me in a cupboard because I found out about their kidnappy drugs plot! They probably kidnapped the Princess!" I wasn't entirely sure why I was buying these shenanigans. The Captain practically jumped out of his armour at my statement.

"KIDNAPPED?!" he screeched. Lovely, I could feel my ears bleeding already. "I must go and alert the other Knights of Pluto at once! …Why are two still here??" he yelled at Blutzen and Kohel. They looked at each other, and then looked back at the Captain.

"Oh Captain!" said Blutzen in a gossip's tone. "It looks like Weimar got together with Barbara at the-"

"Why do I have to hear this!? I told you nitwits to go search for the Princess! SHE'S BEEN KIDNAPPED BY BRIGANDS!! MOVE IT!!"

Well more like kidnapped by two total bloody gits in my opinion, but the Captain was somewhere along the right lines either way. The two knights had simultaneous heart attacks, saluted, and escaped.

"Uh, next time, shouldn't I tell them what the kidnappers look like?" I said hesitantly. I do not want that wrath pointed in my direction, ever.

"I do not have time for foolish details!" he cried, running out the room also. I immediately followed, wincing at the grating together of rusty metal. We came out into a large corridor and stairs affair. There was a thin red and gold carpet beneath my feet, which looked _very _swanky, and the ceiling held a lighted candelabra. I was surprised, largely because I was half expecting, or rather hoping, for there to be a giggling camera crew outside the doors. The Captain turned right and I caught up.

"Well you should have time for the details Captain; the kidnappers were wearing the same sort of armour as those knights," I said loudly, largely to try and be heard over the man's clanking suit.

"Are you accusing MY Knights of Pluto of such –such heinous criminal activities?!" he stuttered angrily, but didn't stop running as we ducked into a room, and nearly ran over a guy half my height in a chef's hat. I stopped for a moment as the Captain whizzed around the room at warp speed, for some reason checking under pots and pans as he went.

"No you twot, I'm saying that they're wearing armour as a fecking disguise or something. That's why Blutzen and Kohel were practically naked when you saw them," I explained, my patience already starting to wither away in spite of the awesome force that was the Captain.

"I WILL HAVE THEIR HEADS!" was all I could make out from the ranting that followed, and he zoomed off again. I groaned and started to follow.

"Hey I like your style!" the little chef called to me, and I turned briefly to see him indicating my bucket. Oh yeah, almost forgot about that. I gave him a thumbs-up and a grin, then raced off after the Captain, who had entered a room on the other side. Why was I following the bugger again? The greater cause I reminded myself, the greater cause. There was a Princess' safety at stake here!

I was chasing after him when I crashed into a knight. I picked myself off the floor painfully. I had been attacked by enough suits of armour today; would someone _please_ give me a break?

"Terribly sorry miss!" apologised the knight, whose eyes flicked up to my bucket. "What are you doing inside the castle anyway?"

"Two guys, one blonde with a monkey tail, other dude's got a belt over his eyes, both wearing armour. They've got the Princess. Go find them. Shift!" I said, with a pointing finger. He stared at me for a moment. "Uh, Captain's orders," I added for good measure.

"Yes ma'am!" he said, and saluted. "Please inform Captain Steiner that Dojebon has received the orders, ma'am!"

Ooh, well that made me feel powerful, I mused, as Dojebon went on his way. Also it was a bit of a first being called ma'am. Actually this entire situation was a bit of a first; perhaps I had been thrown back in time? Hmm, maybe not; there weren't nearly enough thee's and thou's being spouted. At that point Steiner came billowing back in my direction, looking royally pissed off about something. I started talking before he had a chance.

"Dude called Dojebon's looking for the Princess, Captain, so you don't need to worry about alerting him to the situation, as it were." Steiner unexpectedly beamed at me. Oh dear, it was worse than the angry face. He looked totally unaccustomed to pulling the corners of his mouth upwards.

"I thank you most graciously for your assistance. However there is no time to lose!" he said, face regaining its usual intensity, and proceeded to descend the stairs to the floor below. I reckoned by the end of this lark I should be awarded a medal for immaculate patience, and for my die-hard grip on sanity. I rolled my eyes and didn't bother running this time, instead taking time to admire the place.

I passed an enormous portrait at the top of the second set of stairs. It was painted in such a way that you couldn't see the brushstrokes, which I found impressive. What wasn't impressive was the woman, or at least I thought it was a woman, that was the subject matter. Well and truly hideous, so it was. I mean look at those lips! Arg! She must have been important though, to have such a painting as the centre of attention of the room.

I finished walking down the stairs, and watched some poor bloke come crying from my right. I grimaced; it was never pleasant hearing a fully grown man cry. Steiner came shooting out soon after, and disappeared to the other side of the room. With him sorting out the castle I figured I would have a look outside, seeing as the large doors before me were open and all.

I meandered outside where the cool night air hit me. Hang on a tickityboo… night? How could it be night, it was barely nine o clock in the morning at college! I trotted forward to get a better look at the sky, and lo and behold, it was full of bright twinkling stars. The sky met a bright expanse of water, which reflected a huge castle with a freaking sword sticking out the middle.

"Blinking heck! No way. Well there goes the time travel theory," I muttered, spinning around and seeing two, that's right, _two _moons in the sky. One was red and the other blue and they were both full. Now I wasn't an expert on the solar system, but last time I checked we only had one piddly moon circling our dear planet. Did this mean I was on an alien planet, surrounded by medieval aliens?

I approached the water's edge and found another knight, who was gazing dreamily at the water. He sighed blissfully.

"Sitting here watching the water always brings peace to my soul." He looked up at me, and somehow managed not to bat an eyelid at my current appearance. "Greetings oh bucket maiden, would you care to take a seat?" That managed to wrinkle a smile out of me.

"I'd love to matey, but there's a wee bit of a crisis going on. You see the Princess has been kidnapped and-"

"What!?!?!?" he exclaimed, leaping up and drawing his sword. I backed off a step. "This calls for immediate action! Fair Princess do not be afraid!! Haagen is on the trail! Feel my fury!!!"

He went screaming off, rushing in the direction Steiner just emerged from and bruising past him. There was a loud cheer that erupted from somewhere near by, and I scratched my chin. Why had no-one questioned the validity of my claims? If I were a knight, I wouldn't just accept some psycho girl's ramblings at immediate face value.

Steiner ran off talking to himself when I tried to approach. Was the man on bloody speed or something? Couldn't he stop for one moment to let me catch up? I couldn't recall why I was following him, though at least this guy wouldn't drag me off to the dungeons, so I was probably better off hanging around him. I followed and turned a corner, just to see him reprimand another knight and disappear into the depths of a tower. I went to follow him but a female knight moved to block my way. I glanced at her legs; did she forget her trousers or something? They were utterly bare!

"Hey! Captain Steiner! Wait up a sec!" I called into the tower, and spied a small spec that was him turn around.

"Come, My Lady! So that you may point out these scoundrels to me!" he replied, and then vanished.

"You heard the man," I told the woman, who shrugged and stepped aside to let me pass. I dashed past her and down a stony candle-lit corridor, before coming across a spiral staircase. I tilted my head up, seeing Steiner a little way ahead and about a billion stairs.

"You have got to be kidding me," I groaned. I shrugged off my jacket and tied it round my waist so that I wouldn't get too hot, and forced myself to start to climb. There was a good reason I hated steps, because the leg cramp hit immediately. Though that was probably because of my incredible unfitness, but it was easier to blame the stairs than myself.

After several minutes of puffing and sweating,I passed yet another knight, who was practically comatose from exhaustion. He looked up at me from his sprawled position on the steps, and I gave him a little wave as I jogged on by. I didn't see much use in alerting him to the situation if Steiner hadn't already; the poor bloke seemed too knackered to do anything really.

I finally reached the top of the tower, breathing hard and chest beating furiously, but overall not too worse for wear. I eased open the wooden door, and a rush of wind hit my face. The door slammed behind me and there was Steiner, grasping his knees and moaning something about fatigue. Shouldn't the man be fitter than that? He was a Captain after all; then again he did have all that armour on.

I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and turned my head towards the second tower. There was a figure in white running around the top, and the second individual I recognised immediately. It was Monkey Boy, though he seemed to have shed his disguise.

"That's him!" I cried, pointing to the other tower. "That's one of the kidnappers! No idea who the other person is though."

Steiner perked up and peering intensely at the direction I was pointing at. His eyes widened when the couple circled the tower for a second time.

"It's Princess Garnet!" he said, half to me half to the little voice in his head. Or something like that anyway, seeing as he seemed to be talking to himself a lot, in the short space of time that I had known him. He then called across to the other tower. "Fear not Princess, your knight is coming!!"

It was at this point that the Princess climbed on top of the wall that was between the top of the tower, and certain plunging doom. I could sympathise with her, but surely being trapped between Monkey Boy and a rusty knight wasn't so bad that she felt the need to commit suicide? Was Steiner sure that this was the Princess? She wasn't exactly dressed like my vision of royalty in that white and red hooded cloak. Though if royalty dressed like that usually, I could then understand Steiner's mistake of my nobility.

Everything seemed to pause as Princess Garnet stood on the wall, and then she fell.

"PRINCEEEEEEEEEEESS!!!" screamed Steiner, drowning out whatever profanities I'd yelled at the same time. He slammed against the wall, raising sparks and nearly going over. I gripped the wall, shocked, as I watched her plunge. Then I saw a trail of flags behind her, and realised she was holding onto a rope and I relaxed. Relaxation that was followed by another panic attack, would that thing hold her weight?? Apparently so as she swung smoothly away, and was followed by monkey boy, who had grabbed a rope of flags himself and followed suit.

Steiner was still making my ears bleed as he tied a rope around himself. I gingerly tapped him on the back to try and get his attention, and tell him not to be such a stupid twot. Something told me that he wouldn't have quite so much success with the acrobatics. Whatever Steiner's little voice was telling him however, it certainly wasn't about health and safety. He leapt spectacularly and glided down to join the free circus that only I was audience to.

Okay okay what to do what to do. I mentally weighed up my options in half a second. Option one, go back down the tower, and likely get arrested for letting the Captain fall to his probable death. Option two, join in with the high-flyers, save the Princess, wreak untimely revenge on monkey boy and get the fecking bucket off my head. Option two may have seemed obvious, but it didn't take into account my utter lack of upper body strength, and my fear of suicidal death plunges.

I gulped dryly and scrabbled for a rope, flinging myself from the tower before I had a chance to rethink the somewhat shoddy plan of action.

"GeronimOH MY GOD I CHANGE MY MIND!!" I shrieked as my stomach flew up to my throat. I continued yelling as the rope snapped taut, and I slid down a few inches. I was so glad I was wearing fuzzy gloves; else I would have gotten rope burn like nothing else. I squinted my eyes against the whipping wind as I swung, trying to keep a decent eye on where I was going. I was hardly going to get a second chance at the whole swinging and landing lark; especially not the landing part.

I saw Princess Garnet and Monkey Boy land on a canopy type affair, above some kind of musician's pit. I glanced down briefly and saw a huge colourful crowd, cheering and watching the stage eagerly. Fools! The real performance was up above; their loss I supposed. Mind you, I didn't exactly fancy anyone looking up my dress; though I was wearing blue tights and a pair of shorts underneath. Huzzah for my paranoia!

My eye twitched in concentration, and also the thought of splatting on top of some poor sod in case I fell. I let go at a reasonable height on my swing heavenwards, and my momentum propelled me the little distance left to the canopy. I flumped down and rolled a couple of times; let out a shuddery breath and then whooped from the adrenaline rush. Looking out across the audience, I was rather surprised that their attention hadn't been caught by our lollygagging about. That was another thing, where had Steiner vanished off to? He couldn't have fallen because there would be screaming, and a tin of exploded Spam on the ground. Ugh, not a happy mental image.

I began to stand up to see where my quarry had gone, only to hear a ripping noise and fall straight down onto my rear. Music hit my eardrums like a hammer to the head, and I just caught glimpse of a tail disappear behind a door. I eyed the musicians. They had seen me obviously, but they were too busy concentrating on playing to chuck me off the stage or something. I stood up rubbing my arse, and then trotted off through the other door.

"Ruby! We'll talk later!" There were footsteps followed by a slamming door.

"Well my! I wonder whut's got his goat?" exclaimed the only occupant left in the room. Hence it must be Ruby. "Better get… I say! It's like a herd o' cattle through here I'll tell ya! And just whut have you got on yer head darlin'!"

I had rounded the corner when Ruby spied me, looking rather ticked off might I add. Though on a totally random note, her hair was just exquisite. Such a gorgeous shade of blue; I'd always wanted blue hair myself. I had to stop myself dribbling a moment before I said something to appease her. Or tried to at any rate, because nothing appeasing sprang instantly to mind, and thus to the truth I went.

"Uh, that guy stuck the bucket on my head, and it won't come off, and I want vengeance," I explained with a shrug. Ruby put a hand on one hip and smirked at me.

"Y'mean Zidane hun? He's all yours, rude varmint that he's being 'n' all. Though I hafta say, he's usually the one chasin' the pretty girls, not the other way round!" Uh, did she just call me pretty? Blatant lie but hey, a compliment's a compliment!

I trotted down the steps and dashed through the door, to see Zidane on one knee before the Princess. Bloody hell that was quick; or maybe they'd been having some sordid affair for the past few months and were eloping together? Ah, the forbidden love between the farthest of social classes.

"Alright then Princess! I hereby do my best to kidnap you!"

"I thank y-" started Garnet, before she looked up and spotted me. Zidane spun around looking ready for a fight, and then raised a slightly puzzled eyebrow after recognising me.

"I don't believe it! You _want _to be kidnapped?" I said incredulously, looking from Zidane to the Princess.

"You are correct but-"

"Woah don't make any excuses love, that's fine by me, but next time could you warn us before you go gallivanting off into the sunset? Fecking nightmare it was chasing around after you, y'know, especially with Captain Steiner screaming his head off everywhere. And here I thought you were in genuine danger!"

Garnet seemed to visibly pale at the mention of Steiner, and Zidane looked like he was about to laugh his head off. Honestly, the rude goit, I was positively peeved! Would have saved me the hassle dancing around the castle.

"I apologise for the inconvenience but it is imperative that I leave the castle," explained Garnet, looking slightly agitated and nervous. A harsh and sudden rapping on the door made us all jump, followed by someone bursting into the room from the other side. Garnet made a funny squealing noise and dashed behind Zidane.

"What're you two doin'? Uh, I mean three. Come on this... who are you anyway?" asked the bloke who had just come in. He was blessed with a slightly florid face and a scruffy scratchy beard. Also he was showing far too much flesh. I threw my hands up in the air.

"You psychos do what you like; I've got better things to do, like kill myself. It'll be a whole let less painful than what the fiddle's going on around this asylum." Hell, I had no idea what to do anymore. What could I do? Princess Garnet wanted to be kidnapped, and I wasn't going to stop her. It was her decision. Plus I still had the battle wounds from going up against kidnappers the last time.

"Oh no you don't, you're coming with us," grinned Zidane, grabbing my wrist and thunking me down the stairs. I distinctly heard Steiner's voice calling for the Princess, as I was dragged dazed and confused into the opposite room. I blinked and yanked my wrist from Zidane's grip, and promptly smacking him in the head. He rubbed his head and just _looked_ at me, and I pointed an accusing finger steadily at him.

"Don't think just because you shoved me in a cupboard you can carry on shoving me about matey," I said.

Zidane's eyes grew wider and, oh lord, puppy dog eyes. No! Oh I could feel it burning into my very soul! My resolve was beginning to waver, and then I was saved by the gruff bloke.

"We don't have time for this; you can carry on bickering later."

"I don't see an awful lot else to do in this dead end, Cinna," replied Zidane.

"Hehehe, y'see I thought this might happen," he said craftily, tapping his nose with his free hand. He approached the table in the centre of the room, and looked at us smugly. "Open, Sesame!"

Suddenly the table swung back, along with a small hatch in the floor. There was a steady chugging noise coming from the hole, and a dim orange glow. A heavy banging came from the door behind us, along with Steiner calling for the Princess.

"C'mon, everyone inside!" whispered Cinna hurriedly, ushering us all into the hole. Cinna leapt in first, followed by Garnet. Zidane approached behind me and gently shimmied me towards the hole. I took note that he wasn't man-handling me this time.

"Why am I coming with you chaps again?" I inquired, sitting at the edge, waiting to drop down.

"So you won't rat us out to the soldiers."

"Oh, fair do's," I shrugged, letting go and landing on a large vibrating piece of machinery, or whatever it was. I budged up so Zidane could drop in, and he leapt off almost immediately. He turned to face Garnet, who had landed herself but moments before.

"Wow, you're really athletic Princess. I think I'm falling for you!" said Zidane, in a voice which just screamed 'sleazy admiration'. Or that was probably just me, I hadn't had vengeance yet so the balance wasn't restored. I rolled my eyes anyway, and inched towards the edge of the machine to slide off.

"This is nothing," replied Garnet. "I have been training to escape the castle, after all."

"What a waste… if only you weren't a Princess," he sighed wistfully.

"We have no time for idle banter. Come, let us move on!"

"Buuuurned," I hissed as I reached Zidane's level. I patted him in a friendly manner and scurried after the others, cackling for no apparent reason. I didn't exactly fancy waiting to see his reaction, though he did seem like a pretty easy going guy really. I reckoned that was probably just a façade to hide his evil, conniving, kidnappery, misdeeds.

I had absolutely no idea where we were exactly; I mean what were all these pistons and cogs and whatnot doing underneath a stage? They looked more suited to… well I didn't know what they looked more suited to exactly. The bowels of the Titanic perhaps? That was all my brain was coming up with. It was rather fuggy and smelt of oil down there, and very warm to boot. The sooner I was out of there the better in my humble opinion, which wasn't remotely humble but hey, I could try.

I caught up to Garnet and Cinna, and we all bustled into the next room before we got too high off oil fumes. Of course it was at this moment that Steiner decided to make his grand appearance, sliding dramatically down the pole in the centre of the room. The subsequent clang that followed his landing practically shook the entire room. I saw Garnet's eyes widen in recognition and she took several steps back.

"AHA!" he cried in triumph. "Fear not Princess! For I, Steiner, have come to your rescue!"

Well so far as I could figure out that gave her every reason to be fearful. Garnet took another step back, and ran into a knight who had just appeared the way we came. I turned to look at the newcomer, and just rolled my eyes. Well my day just kept getting better and better. It was the partner in crime who helped shoved me in the cupboard, Blank or something like that I think I heard. It was probably a codename or something, but I didn't have much else to go on. I mean seriously, what kind of name was Blank? A fake one, it had to be.

"You needn't worry Your Highness," he said with a sly grin. Between the totally fear-worthy Steiner and the equally worrisome Blank, I was surprised that Garnet didn't just swoon and collapse. Thankfully it seemed she was made of stronger stuff, and instead she looked ready to fight her way out. Then she blinked and cocked her head to one side in confusion.

"Good work! This will be remembered as the Pluto Knights' finest hour!" crowed Steiner, looking mighty pleased with himself. I heard him mutter something about a victory over Beatrix.

Well to be honest, it was more like the Pluto Knights' finest cock-up. At that point Blank started laughing in a slightly maniacal tone.

"Just relax Princess," he said smoothly, "we'll get you outta here!"

"…WHAT??!! You're not one of my knights!"

"Ahh the penny drops," I muttered, dragging Garnet to the back of the room as the men lined up against Steiner. He looked at the three in turn, his face growing steadily more puce and vile. What were they gonna do, can-can him to death?

"You can just…"

"…leave the Princess…"

"TO US!" the three cried in unison, drawing various weapons from assorted sheathes. Steiner looked appalled, as though shocked that these people had the gall to draw weapons against him. I was somewhat surprised myself, mostly at Cinna waggling a hammer. Steiner then grunted and reached behind his back, drawing a wonking great sword. Holy buggerations these people were serious! Resolving a situation via violence, with very pointy objects, seemed like a wonderful plan. Except I couldn't join in, how dare they have fun without me! Well, the chaps seemed to know what they were doing, as they launched into each other.

"Well this _is _jolly good fun, don't you think?" I said with a happy-go-lucky smile. Garnet looked at me as though I was an asylum escapee, which I was, but she didn't have to know that. Mwahahah and all that lark, mmyes?

"I am afraid I must disagree," commented Garnet, her gaze flickering between myself and the brawl, and only just deciding that I was the lesser of two evils.

"I'm only joking luv_," _I laughed, patting her on the shoulder. "Well half joking, but then again I'm not exactly part of the fray, so I think I'm allowed the liberty of semi-enjoying this." Okay well, truth be told I was having a minor panic-attack at seeing real swords swinging about. Especially with no means of retaliation or protection myself.

"Oh! I do apologise, I didn't realise you were being humorous." She cleared her throat, and performed a small bow. "Greetings, I am Princess Garnet Til Alexandros. I thank you, for understanding and accepting my true intentions, when you came to rescue me." I felt momentarily humbled by her elegant speech, though my reply was a lot less sophisticated.

"Uh, sure, no problem! What you do is up to you; I thought you were actually in danger y'know. Just glad you're alright. I'm Daisy, by the way." I jittered about a bit, unsure whether to curtsy or bow in front of royalty. So I opted for neither and instead stuck my hand out for a handshake. Garnet looked surprised and only briefly hesitated before gently taking my hand.

"Is this not usually a gesture reserved for when the male gentry greet each other?" she inquired, and then turned decisively red at my expression. "That is... I mean…"

My face burst into a grin. "They say you can tell a lot about a person by the way they shake hands. Plus I'm a very touchy-feely person, though unfortunately I can't hug people on a first meeting; they kinda get weirded out. Heaven knows why."

Garnet looked as though she was about to reply, however Steiner got there first.

"I'll never give up," he said ominously, moving his sword in several precise motions, with a glowing trail of blue behind it. He growled and swung his sword at Blank, where it seemed a cutting whirlwind engulfed him, stripping him of his armour. I pointed and gabbled, utterly flummoxed. Also it seemed that Blank had given birth to a plague of giant bugs, which rushed out in all direction. They made the most peculiar squishy noises.

"N-NO! Not oglops! I hate oglops!" shrieked Steiner in a most undignified way. He practically dropped his sword in utter disgusted terror, and proceeded to run around the room in circles to try and escape.

"Oglops are the worst!"

"Ahh it touched me!"

"I hate oglops!"

"Get these oglops offa me!"

"I HATE OGLOPS!!"

The whole room seemed to have suddenly turned into a bug-related war field. I didn't quite understand what they were all shrieking about; I mean honestly they were just bugs! They didn't seem to be doing much other than squelching about, though from the sound of the general uproar you would have thought these were flesh-eating, brain-gouging, super bugs of horrific death and destruction.

The general running about and confusion however provided perfect cover for Zidane, who sidled in, whispered something to Garnet and took off with her. I discreetly followed, not fancying being stuck in a room with three screaming adults. It was just embarrassing looking at them.

The next room was a dead end.

"What now?" asked Garnet nervously, glancing into the room behind. "We cannot go any further!"

"Hmm…" murmured Zidane, glancing at a circular shape in the floor. Before he could formulate a plan Cinna staggered into the room, panting heavily.

"Zidane! Quick! Get on number two!" he cried.

"Gotcha! Princess Garnet, this way!"

He ushered Garnet onto a circular area on the floor and yanked on a lever. I was about to leap on the same ascending platform, when I was bowled over by what felt like a truck. Actually a truck would have been a lot less painful. I raised myself up off the floor just in time to see Steiner assault Cinna and send him flying, then jump on another platform and follow the couple up.

Right, whatever respect I had for the bugger definitely evaporated there and then. I went over to Cinna and yanked his heavy arse off the floor. His lip had been cut, but other than that he didn't appear to be in too poor health. Of course that didn't stop him milking it for all he was worth.

"Yooow! The pain! I think my nose has come off! It must be broken! Ah! There's blood! I'm gonna die!" He clutched his nose as though it was hanging by a thread, and hopped up and down on the spot. I scratched my neck and looked around awkwardly. Seriously, did the men in this place have no pride whatsoever?

"Uh, that's well and truly a horrendous injury. I'm sure you'll need a lobotomy. Moving on, where did those platforms go?" I asked. Cinna stopped prancing when I wasn't giving him the sympathy vote, and quickly changed his tune.

"'Snot any concern of yours. Now come with me, I've gotta-"

"Oh hell no, I'm not being dragged around again!" I butted in. I had more important things to do than shuffle around after this motley crew, like figure out where the hell I was and start having a psychotic breakdown.

Cinna pointed his hammer at me. "You'd better come with; I'm not having ya squeal off to the Alexandrian soldiers." He quailed under my gaze, which was pretty sad because I had barely changed my expression. "Uh, okay never mind just please don't hurt me!"

I stared at Cinna for a few moments, a little disorientated from his ramblings. Now I knew how people felt about me when I blithered on. I turned around, shot him a look over my shoulder, and then hopped onto the last platform. I grinned at his protests and pulled the lever, watching the circle in the ceiling open up and reveal the night sky. Ooh, this thing went out. Marvellous; now in panic at this other world, I could run around in circles screaming in the fresh air.

The platform stopped moving up and I felt a most heavy silence. Reluctantly I swivelled on the spot to see a large crowd before me. Even closer were the bodies of Garnet and some other man. Zidane, Steiner, and a purple bearded bloke were also on the stage. Ah, stage. Dead people not actually dead but acting. Things were starting to make a midge more sense, but it was difficult to think when suddenly a thousand eyes were upon me. Also, Steiner was sobbing his guts out; blimey he was a good actor.

"_Say something,_" the large Beardy Bloke hissed at me. He looked torn between amusement and bemusement. I felt like a total pillock, but hey, live for the moment! I spread my arms out dramatically, and tried to remember how to do a decent stage voice.

"Behold; for I am the Angel of Death!" I cried. The crowd collectively gasped, which gave the impression that I was along the right lines. Some kid from the crowd managed to ask why I had a bucket on my head before being silenced by his mother. I pointed to said bucket. "Ever heard the phrase 'kick the bucket'?" Again, the crowd aahed as one. This was really rather wonderful, seeing as I had no idea what was going on.

"Ah, aye, thou hast come for the poor souls of Cornelia and Marcus!" said Zidane, indicating the two on the floor.

"Aye! That's because they are doomed- or _not _doomed," I corrected after seeing his lightly shaking head. "Yeah, I mean aye, they're really not doomed at all. Thee thou thy um… In fact_ you're _doomed.. no actually I lie… YOU'RE doomed!" I finally said, pointing at Beardy Bloke. He sank to his knees.

"Nay! It cannot be! I beg of thee angel, curb thy merciless wrath for a father who dist nought but good for his beloved daughter!"

"…Thou art dooooooooooooooomed!" I emphasised, largely because no other stroke of brilliance instantly came to mind. I was saved from any more awful improvisation, which Zidane was silently shaking in laughter over, because a small boy had just run onto the stage. He was followed by two blokes in armour. Huzzah, saved by more actors! …No, hang on a sec, those were the Sailor Moon Knights or whatever Steiner called them. I was sure the name had something to do with outer space anyway.

"Leave me alone!" cried the boy, running around us and closely pursued by the knights. He leapt over the sprawled figure of Garnet then faced the knights. He waved his hands in front of him. "Don't come any closer!"

The knights started to laugh, I mean who wouldn't if you were covered in armour and threatened by a small boy? However he surprised all of us by suddenly shooting fire from his palms at the two. It didn't get very far and landed on Garnet instead, but seriously! Small boy! Fire! Those two should never be combined! Especially seeing as the fire appeared to have come out of nowhere.

"Oh my goodness! That's hot!" yelped Garnet, dropping her dead person act and jumping out. She couldn't bat the fire out so instead she threw off her coat, which made the audience gasp even louder than my ridiculous Angel of Death. She cleared her throat and regained a more dignified posture, casually brushing her arm.

"Zidane! It's time!" said Beardy Bloke in a joyous tone, and promptly exited stage left, or was it right? It had been far too long since I was last on the stage. If only the play I'd stumbled into had been a comedy; I just didn't do serious. Not without laughing my head off anyway.

Steiner looked utterly flummoxed as he stared gobsmacked at Garnet.

"Steiner? We're not acting anymore y'know," I said gently, feeling rather impressed by his dedication. The man should have gone into acting, not knighthood!

"Acting? What are you talking about! Just what is going on around here!" Oh. 'Twas merely plain idiocy. Respect-o-meter swiftly hit the bottom again with a heavy thunk. Steiner shook his raging fists at everyone on the stage; as if not sure which one he should pummel answers out of first.

"Steiner!" said Garnet sharply, making him freeze. "Don't follow me anymore!"

This was practically a physical blow to the head for the bugger. He blinked rapidly, as though hoping that if he closed his eyes enough, everything would be better when he opened them again. He seemed to barely hear the knights askance of orders, instead fumbling about trying to come to a decision. He turned away from the stage and looked up. I followed his gaze, which had landed on what from here looked like a wobbling obese green marshmallow; if marshmallows could be obese at any rate. Somehow, this vision gave him strength because he turned back to Garnet.

"Princess! I'm afraid I cannot comply!"

"Stubborn as always, aren't you?" sighed Garnet. I couldn't tell if she was annoyed or not; her tone was a kind of neutral-regal.

"C'mon Princess, let's ditch Sir Rustalot and get outta here!" grinned Zidane, running along the stage, leaving Steiner gibbering for a reply to the horrendous insult. He paused at the boy who had somehow fallen over, and took a moment to help him up.

"Princess wait!" cried Steiner, who was ignored.

"Hey kid, you okay?" asked Zidane, full of genuine concern. It would have been nice if he used some of that concern on me when he rammed the bucket on my head. The boy muttered a quietly embarrassed reply and adjusted his large floppy hat.

"Princess, I cannot allow you to go!" came Steiner's voice. I didn't bother turning to face him, but the boy did. Woah, I couldn't see his face! All I could see were two glowing eyes, or I assumed that was what they were. That was certainly… different. No worse than a bloke with a monkey tail though I supposed. "Seize them at once! Seize ALL of them!"

At that point, I did swing around, utterly indignant. "Wanker! And after all the help I gave you too!"

"She did help out Cap'n," agreed one of the knights, whom I remembered as Mister Fury.

"I saw her conspiring with these fiends! Follow your orders! Seize them!"

The two knights just shrugged at each other and drew their swords, advancing slowly but with no real drive behind their actions. Thankfully, a second brawl was stopped in its tracks, because the stage oddly revved up and started to shake. What a peculiar thing for a stage to do, and especially at a time like this. Whatever will to participate in the capturing of our motley crew in the two knights promptly vanished, and they fled off the stage, shouting excuses back at Steiner.

As Steiner thundered in fury I heard a whirring sound and looked up, spotting propellers speeding up and turning into a blur. That just left me even more confused; what kind of stage had propellers? It wasn't as though it could take off, right?

Wrong, hopelessly and utterly wrong. The stage began to ascend, shakily at best. Staying upright was a lost cause and I fell over, along with the boy who seemed to have enough trouble staying upright on stationary ground. That was probably me being pre-judgemental though. The stage continued upwards, raising us up to eye level with the mouldy marshmallow. On a second examination the marshmallow was in fact a person, with two clumps of hay sticking out the side of its head. Hang on a moment, in fact it was a woman, just about. Possibly. It was debatable.

Several loud explosions in quick succession met my ears, and I saw giant harpoons hurtle towards us from near the marshmallow woman. There was no time to react. By the time 'oh bananas giant harpoons are coming this way' had filtered through my brain, they plunged into the stage. Several splinters of wood hit me, and Garnet skidded over in my direction. I tried to ask her if she was okay, but the stage suddenly jerked and we all went sliding down to the left.

Another rally of harpoons hit, almost impaling both Zidane and Garnet. Bloody hell those things were lethal! Why were we being attacked with harpoons anyway? Unless the stage had turned into Moby Dick whilst I wasn't looking, which was a completely plausible reason in my book. Hey, if the stage could fly, why _shouldn't_ it turn into Moby Dick? Then I could do my 'Yarrr 'tis the white whale froth froth dribble' impression. I'd need a beard though; perhaps I could steal Beardy Bloke's.

Back to the equally as insane reality, just above the wobbling woman, a ridiculously huge cannon was slowly being revealed and wheeled forwards. Over the din I just about heard Garnet yell something about a bomb, and saw her pointing to the cannon. Oh feck, the cannon shot bombs?

Well it seemed that Garnet was either mistaken or a compulsive liar, because the cannon shot a white hot freaking FIREBALL at us! I stood up to back off, but just fell head over heels. I covered my face with my arms and scrunched my legs in, waiting for the singing burning pain to hit. However all I felt was an intense heat, and so I warily untangled myself for a better look.

The giant fireball was still there, yet it was hovering just above the far end of the stage. It was laughing. The fireball, was laughing. Laughing was the fireball. Actually it was more like cackling but regardless, it shouldn't be doing anything of the sort. It also appeared to have features of some sort, like a jagged cut-out face on a pumpkin. My brain wasn't processing this particularly well. In fact, I could feel it dribbling out my skull and running for the hills.

"How dare you trick the Princess! Give yourself up brigands!" bellowed Steiner, who had found his feet.

"Hey, we got other things to worry about! Look behind you!" said Zidane, pointing at the fireball.

"I will not fall for such an old trick!" he cried furiously, drawing his sword and rushing at Zidane. He swung but Zidane ducked, sliding neatly underneath the attack and wrapping his tail round Steiner's ankle. There was a loud clang as he met the wooden stage, face down. Zidane jumped lightly on the man's back, and put his hands on his hips.

"Now now, let's play nice," he tutted, tail swishing from side to side in amusement. Steiner roared and hauled him off, but he rolled off smoothly and unharmed. Steiner gripped his sword harder and backed off slightly, before rushing forwards again and bringing the sword down and to the left. Zidane swiftly side-stepped and somersaulted over the blade; looking thoroughly nonplussed. He withdrew two daggers from their sheathes, and they met the sword, which had come crashing down again.

"Steiner please!" begged Garnet. "Turn around!"

"How dare you fool the Princess!" spat Steiner. His blade narrowly missed Zidane and he fell, and only just managed to roll to the side in time before the sword imbedded itself in the stage.

I didn't quite understand how Steiner could not notice imminent fiery death behind him. I could feel the heat from the fireball, from where I was on the other side of the stage, which meant Steiner must have literally been frying in that tin can of his. Also, it had steadily been growing larger, and that certainly didn't bode well.

During Steiner and Zidane's tussle, Marcus had located his sword, which had ended up near the back of the stage when we had taken off. He leapt into the fray, ramming the pummel into Steiner's head. He appeared to be unaffected though and spun around with his sword, narrowly missing Marcus's stomach.

"It's a bomb!" yelled the small boy, who was wringing his hands nervously.

"What do you mean it's a bomb?" I asked. "It's a huge frickin' fireball that… oh. You mean it's gonna go boom?"

I got several floppy nods as a reply, and I sighed.

"Ah lovely," I said in a sagely manner, "we're all dead then. But I shall die with dignity! Feel free to use my corpse as a shield, dear boy." I hunkered down and enveloped the kid with my back to the bomb. I squeezed my eyes shut and listened to the yelling behind me. I heard Steiner shriek, signalling that he must have finally cottoned on to the situation.

There was half a second of complete and utter silence; then the bomb exploded. My ears rang and heat and smoke gushed over us. This was followed by what felt like several trees smacking themselves into my back. I took a breath and choked on smoke, hacking in a most undignified way into the boy's hat. It was several moments before the air cleared enough to allow me to breath, and then I looked over my shoulder.

Half the stage had been completely obliterated, and left was blackened and smoking. At least we weren't terribly on fire, other than a few small patches which Marcus was attempting to stamp out. Everybody else seemed pretty much alive on the other hand; limbs all present and accounted for. Garnet was clinging onto one of the harpoons for support, and Steiner was rolling about on the floor gibbering. I remembered to let go of the kid, and held him out at arms lengths.

"You alive?" I asked, rubbing my back.

"I-I think so," he replied nervously, also taking a look around. "Thanks…"

I told him that it was no trouble and stood up, brushing myself down. Honestly, my back was absolutely covered in soot! All over my favourite jacket too! I untied it from around my waist, gave it a good beating and slung it back on. Wind whipped up and I peered over the edge of the stage, seeing that the castle had long gone.

Our aerial transport device, or whatever the stage was attached to, didn't seem to be faring quite as well as the rest of us. It shuddered and jerked, trying to ascend but not being quite able to do so. I looked up and one of the propellers stopped in its tracks, and we started veering over to the right.

"Zidane!" yelled Marcus. "We're gonna crash! Hang onto something!"

I staggered as the stage lurched again, and danced across to the harpoon, which for some reason Garnet had wandered off from. I wrapped my arms and legs around it and held on for dear life. I felt positively nauseous as we dived; not a great time to get to develop air sickness. I shut my eyes again, trying to block out the yells and general confusion. I clung onto the harpoon harder as the stage shook violently. After what felt like an age, we slammed to a sudden halt, which wrenched me from the harpoon and I slid completely off the stage.

* * *

Note of the Author : If you're reading this note, CONGRATULATIONS! You have survived the first chapter of the incredibly ground-breaking EGAD. Either that or you've skipped to the bottom for whatever reason. So get back to the top or click the back button and bugger off, you wretched scallywag!

Moving swiftly along, some of you may remember me from the days of IGID. If you couldn't already tell, this is a brand spanking new attempt at doing the fecking thing! I had too much fun with IGID, and though the debacle of the lost chapter nine won't allow me to continue, the memory shall live on in this (hopefully) superior incarnation. Isn't it lovely? And for those who haven't read IGID, uh, don't. XD I like to think I've done a far better job with this.

But I want to say that those who have shown me support through what there was of IGID, I love you all. Thanks so much for putting up with me through that, and I do hope you enjoy EGAD just as much.

I would also like to thank Gide profusely for beta-reading this for me, without her you chaps would not be able to read it without your eyes bleeding. Or your eyes bleeding more than they already are. You monkeys should totally go check out her SI 'War of the Worlds', for it is awesomepie. Rebecca is just so insanely glompable it's untrue.

Do leave a review to let me know what you think, even if you hate it to bloody bits. If you see any mistakes that we might have missed do tell, and most of all, try not to run away screaming too fast! Also I'd appreciate it if you checked out my profile page, for there is a poll there!


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